I really thought hard about writing this post, Whether I should do it or not. This has been a very private but difficult struggle in my life and while I wanted to keep it private I found so many people just didn't understand my pain. I want to tell my story to let other women know who are dealing with this issue themselves that I UNDERSTAND.
I have 2 beautiful children I love more then life itself, I am a SAHM and I love having my kids with me everyday. My youngest started Pre K this school year and my husband and I figured now would be an awesome time to try for a third child.
I already have two healthy children so a third should be a breeze right? That's what I thought.
In August I found out I was pregnant and I couldn't of been more excited! Then a week after I found out I started spotting. I went to the doctors office and was told I had a chemical pregnancy. Which is an early miscarriage. I was devastated and hurt but my doctor told me to try again and not to be disheartened.
In September I found out I was pregnant a second time. When I went for an ultrasound we seen a yolk Sac but no baby, not uncommon given my dates it was seen as too early. A week later I started spotting for a second time... COULD THIS REALLY HAPPEN AGAIN?
Sure enough it happened... I was told my miscarriage would pass naturally. At this point I was so physically and emotionally drained. My heart hurt and my body was tired. 8 days later I wake up in the middle of the night with the worst pain in my stomach. The next morning I go to my family doctor.. At this point the pain is unbearable I've never felt pain like this in my entire life, I can not breathe on a scale of 1-10 I am at 11. The doctor rushes me to ER.
None of the pain medication is helping me I feel like I am dying and its terrifying. After a scan I find out that my miscarriage did not pass naturally, my pregnancy was Ectopic which ruptured. I was bleeding Internally, I have so much blood its in my chest cavity my lungs can not expand correctly.
The doctor at this point is telling me I could of died if I wouldn't of come to the hospital for treatment.
I was rushed into surgery, I had all these forms I have to sign, I'm over whelmed and in pain I am scared I may die. My tube could not be repaired, the doctor took away one tube and ovary. I was devastated. I know this had to be done but it doesn't change the feeling inside.
Recovery was in a maternity ward which was so hard, While I could probably conceive again it would be harder and the risk for me is so high. I do have children who nearly lost there mother and so I need to take that into account.
What people don't understand is.. its so freaking hard as a woman and emotionally blowing to know your chances of conception may have been taken away. So many people mean well by telling me to count my blessings that my life was saved, which I do, and count my blessings I have children, which I do.
BUT please understand it doesn't matter how many children you have it still hurts the same, it still hurts like your heart has been ripped out of your chest. When your family have set there heart on having another baby and it doesn't happen the pain is unreal.
I do not have to feel bad or guilty about hurting its a natural process, its ok to grieve it doesn't make you selfish.